Bill of Lefts

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you're reading this in English, thank a veteran.

Index to the Ol' Buffalo Soapbox

Education

• Bad schools are the taxpayer's fault.
• Politicians have the right to send their children to private schools. Commoners do not. Since big government knows best how to teach our children, "school vouchers" should not be used to allow parents to use their own taxes to fund an education at non-government schools. It is reasonable for public school teachers to oppose "school vouchers" even while 40% of them send their own children to private schools.
• Washington DC public schools cost 69% more per student than Washington DC Catholic schools. Therefore, public-school education is better (ref US Census and Washington Archdiocese data).
• The best school teacher, especially at the college level, is a person who has never held a job in a free-market economy.
• A teacher who sets the tone for his class by wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sandals is entitled to expect his students to behave themselves perfectly.
• We honestly believe that the same sandal-and-t-shirt-clad public school teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
• Prayer in school or the mention of God in school is bad. Having a homosexual teach your child about sex is good.
• It is desirable to have faith in unsubstantiated scientific theories and use religious principles in its practice while demanding the scientific methodology of religion. The fact that scientific theories change so fast that college text books of fifty years ago have no value in today’s curricula only strengthens our faith in unsubstantiated scientific theories.
• Self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
• Regardless of merit or validity, any and all philosophies may be taught in school -- except Judeo-Christian values and Anglo-American history and tradition. This is called "diversity."
• Certain minorities are entitled, even expected, to have poor language skills because it is a part of their ethnicity -- even when their families have been US citizens for many generations. These persons with poor language skills are entitled to special treatment in the educational system because the schools teach in English, not the individual's "native" language.

Family

• It is okay, even expected, to have sex before one is ready to have children or otherwise accept the responsibility consequent to having sex.
• It is okay, even expected, to have sex with persons whom you'd never consider having children with.
• Parents have no right to make decisions or even be informed regarding the sexual behavior of their minor children. Employees of government schools, being more enlightened than parents, may substitute their judgment for that of parents.
• Women have as much right to a career as do men. If a mother chooses to work, it is reasonable for her to leave the rearing of her children to babysitters, even when her income is insufficient to pay the sitter. In this case, her neighbors are obligated to pay the sitter.

Rights, Entitlements & Responsibility

• Rights (which are God-given) are to be confused with privileges (which are earned). Therefore, we can say that everybody has a right to the same benefits and wealth gained by those who excel.
• Duty is a legal or moral obligation to do what should be done without being told to do it. Therefore, only law-abiding, moral people have any duties. The rest of us are entitled to be freeloaders.
• All HIV carriers are innocent victims and must be given special "rights". Carriers of all other deadly contagious diseases are not "politically correct" and will be subject to quarantine. AIDS is spread by a lack of government funding.
• Racism is not just for losers. Employers and college admissions committees must remember that bigotry is enlightened and honorable if discrimination is targeted at the "right" groups.
• Ability and initiative must never supercede ethnicity. Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. Quotas and set-asides are needed because we assume that certain groups of people just don't have the ability or will to make it on their own.
• Traditional gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
• Everyone who has been born has every right to live, including all convicted murderers. Persons who have not yet been born do not have a right to live.
• Trees can feel pain but babies can't. Therefore, saving the forests is critical and abortion is harmless.
• Capital punishment is cruel and unfair, but abortion on demand is an essential right.
• The rights of bugs, rats and weeds supercede the rights of humans.
• We have a right to expect all products to be safe. Therefore, if you stupidly misuse a product (ie a gun or even a cup of hot coffee) and thereby harm yourself or another person, you are a victim and are entitled to a multi-million dollar settlement.
• The right to free speech is a license to suspend sound judgment and constructive moral values.
• The successful must be burdened with heavy taxes for earning more money than those of us who have no initiative or talent. They must be burdened with heavy taxes because they create wealth by creating jobs. This makes us feel like things are fair.
• Deficits are a part of life, but that is only a problem for those with money. If the government gives you a credit card for health care or any other social program, use it as much as you want. Let somebody else pay the bill.

Society & Welfare

• We welcome all races, creeds, religions, ideologies, etc. as long as they are compatible with liberal thought. We must not tolerate any ideas which are not PC (politically correct = politically cleansed).
• We reject all thought which is based on traditional religion or which is based in classical morality. These outdated philosophies only hinder our "progressive" agenda.
• Traditional gender roles are artificial. Being homosexual is natural.
• Homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected. Manger scenes at Christmas-time should be banned.
• Everything is free as long as you don't work for it.
• Paying people not to work will make them more productive.
• Expect the government to take care of you. Therefore, you are best off not working at all.
• The best way to care for the unemployed and the poor is to simply give them more money rather than expect them to work for the money. This is an excellent way to buy votes for liberal political causes and candidates.
• Government should never take away anything it gives you. But it may take away anything you earn on your own. We can feel safe knowing that the government knows better how to spend our money than we do.
• Since members of the Hollywood elite demonstrate superior morality, wisdom, and judgment by their actions, solid family values, and worthwhile productions, we should respect and follow their endorsements of causes and of political candidates. The few actors and musicians who do take a stand for morality and in defense of Constitutional freedoms are kooks.
• Actors and musicians are inherently experts on morality, government, justice, the climate, and business. Their opinions carry greater weight than those of the real experts. For example, an actress who portrayed a farmer in a movie is qualified to give expert testimony before Congress on farm issues.
• Likewise, journalists are inherently experts on morality, government, justice, technology, business, military strategy, the climate, weather, and sports. Their opinions also carry greater weight than those of the real experts.
• A journalist who is not openly anti-American and anti-morality in his approach to reporting is not doing his job correctly.
• The best journalist, especially on national TV news, is a person who has never held a job outside journalism.
• Journalists who are not US citizens have a right, even responsibility to pontificate on how US citizens choose to vote.
• We believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and that doctors are overpaid. After all, trial lawyers contribute heavily to liberal causes, so they must be good guys.
• There was no art before federal funding. Talentless people who call themselves artists must be supported by the government because nobody will buy his garbage. Government officials who refuse to use taxpayer money to support talentless artists and writers are guilty of censorship.
• The free market that gives us 500+ channels, can't deliver the quality that PBS does. Therefore, PBS should receive heavy government subsidies.
• Harriet Tubman, Caesar Chavez, and Gloria Steinhem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, Abraham Lincoln, or Thomas Edison.
• Because we don't have the courage to say "no" to political correctness, only one American merits his/her own federal holiday.

Crime

• Crime is society's fault.
• Creating more laws will lower crime.
• Crimes against certain special groups such as gays or racial minorities are more serious than identical crimes committed upon other segments of society. These crimes are called "hate" crimes and must be given federal attention and status.
• The death penalty is unfair to criminals. It does not deter crime. However, gun control laws do deter crime. After all, no criminal would even think of using a gun to commit a violent crime -- he might get in trouble!
• Only high-ranking politicians, overbearing TV talk show hosts, and career criminals are entitled to the protection of a firearm. All law-abiding citizens must give or sell (at a large discount) all firearms to the government. The government, after all, is the only rightful owner of firearms and must maintain absolute control of all firearms (except those used for the protection of high-ranking politicians, TV talk show hosts, and criminals).
• We are not satisfied with the over 20 thousand oppressive gun control laws imposed on law-abiding citizens since 1934. We must add additional "reasonable" gun control laws, knowing full well that they will have no effect on crime, but they'll make us feel good.
• Although the gun manufacturing and distribution industry is among the most heavily regulated in the world, these companies must be held criminally and civilly liable for all misuses of their products -- even if the product is not defective in any way.
• The Second Amendment to the US Constitution is not a reasonable gun law.
• The purpose of gun control is to disarm the public -- not to control crime.
• Anyone who wants to use the most effective tool for self defense is a gun nut and must be disarmed or otherwise controlled.
• Guns are not dangerous. Gun owners are dangerous.
• Guns in the hands in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese or Korean Communists.
• The NRA is bad, because its members stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. The ACLU is good, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.
• Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.
• Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.
• An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot by a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
• A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
• If a gun is priced so that poor citizens can afford to have one in the home for self defense, it is called a "Saturday Night Special" and must be banned.
• If citizens are to be allowed to have guns, they must be limited in the number of bullets they can use to defend themselves.
• The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns & Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
• One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for internal medicine, a computer programmer for hard drive problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.
• Being socially conscious, TV programmers and movie directors always ensure their works portray safe and proper use of firearms. The NRA encourages misuse and criminal use of firearms.
• The Second Amendment, ratified in 1791, refers to the National Guard, which was created 112 years later, in 1903.
• These phrases; "right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumerations herein of certain rights shall not be co9nstrued to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people" all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.
• Registration makes sense for exercise of any rights guaranteed in the Second Amendment. It would make sense for the First Amendment, too.
• The NRA's "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, but the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
• Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.
• Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in buildings filled with cops need a gun.
• Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.
• Handgun Control, Inc. says it wants to "keep guns our of the wrong hands," Guess what? You have the "wrong hands."

Environment

• US industry has made incredible progress in cleaning up the environment. But, this is not enough. Al Gore has called for a "wrenching transformation" to impose even greater regulatory burdens on US industry so they will be forced to move even more of our jobs to third-world nations with no anti-pollution regulations. Worldwide pollution will thus increase sharply, but we'll feel good having done our part in the US to control pollution. It is assumed that American consumers are too stupid to know who's really paying the bill.
• Over its vast geological history, Earth has gone through countless climatological cycles. As an example, over the past 10,000 or so years since the last ice age Earth has been in one of its many global warming phases. Earth's climate was warmer during the Viking age than it is today. We believe all of this change is the fault of modern man -- especially the successful American economy. Americans must be punished for their success by imposing crippling regulation on American businesses and industries.
• Global temperatures are less affected by documented cyclical changes in Earth's climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
• We are very concerned about the environment. Therefore, we support presidential "executive orders" which close off public land from public use.
• The rights of grasshoppers and all other non-human organisms always come before the rights and needs of humans. Property owners are not entitled to the reasonable use of their property if the rights of a grasshopper or any other organism could remotely be harmed.
• Hunters and farmers don't care about nature but pasty, euphorians who've never been outside big cities do.

Government, Politics & Regulation

• Only a big all-powerful government can solve everybody's problems.
• The only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
• If we raise taxes high enough, the entire economy will be controlled by a few politicians and bureaucrats, not those greedy job-creating businessmen. Only then can everybody enjoy the prosperity we deserve. It worked in the former Soviet Union, didn't it?
• Tax dollars, including social security taxes, belong to the government -- not the taxpayer.
• The government knows better how to spend money than do taxpayers.
• Taxes are too low. ATM fees are too high.
• There must be plenty of mandates on the other guy. You are safe as long as you choose to do as little as possible -- then government will not impose mandates on you.
• To ensure big government can solve everybody's problems, it must control as much money as possible. Therefore, it is best for the federal government to extract heavy taxes from its citizens, then dole out tax money to compliant state and local governments and specify exactly how, when, why, and to whom funds will be expended rather than allow the taxation and decision making to occur at the lowest practical government level.
• In the event the federal government wants to solve perceived problems with out expending federal tax dollars, it need only require other entities such as businesses, state or local governments, schools, etc. expend its own money to satisfy federal goals.
• Whenever the federal government gets involved in a social problem, the costs of that problem go up (ie the cost of college increased sharply with the introduction of student loans, the cost of public schools K-12 soared with federal intervention while quality of education declined, the cost of retirement increased sharply with the introduction of Social Security, the cost of medicines and health care increased sharply due to excessive federal regulation, the cost of child daycare increased sharply with federal sponsorship, the cost of caring for the poor increased sharply with federal welfare programs, etc.) Although federal intervention has, in some cases, improved safety and quality of life, this increase in costs makes citizens even more dependent on big government. This is a good thing.
• The best politician is an individual who has never had a real job (ie a job outside politics) and who has never had to run (or work in) a business which has to function under heavy-handed government regulation.
• To ensure that anyone can be president of the United States, we have set the precedent to allow drug-abusing, draft-dodging, womanizing liars who are not above suspicion in financial scams and murder plots. We accept the notion that our chief law-enforcement officer can set the tone for the rule of law by obstructing justice and that the nation's commander-in-chief can keep foreign statesmen waiting while being "serviced" by subordinate government employees.
• Womanizing is assumed to be a typical characteristic of powerful men. Therefore, we accept this characteristic in men who have the correct ideology.
• Laws are best written by federal courts and regulatory agencies, so it is best for Congress to make any legislative law as vague and contradictory as possible.
• The military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. Therefore, the nation's military infrastructure must be under-funded and systematically dismantled. Servicemen, generally being somewhat conservative, are not to be trusted, respected, or allowed to vote.
• Using secrecy to protect national security is bad. Secrecy to protect powerful politicians from criminal prosecution is good.
• It is acceptable for politicians to sell or even give away military secrets or military-critical technology to potential enemies in exchange for substantial donations to political campaigns.
• Illegal political funding by the Chinese Communists is in the best interests of the United States.
• It is acceptable for the president of the United States to use federal property (ie renting bedrooms in the Whitehouse) as a means for obtaining substantial donations to political campaigns.
• Conservatives who tell the truth belong in jail. A liar and sexual predator belongs in the White House.
• Hillary Clinton really is a lady.
• Good campaign finance reform means imposing gag rules upon political newcomers and outsiders. Incumbents must never be restricted in receiving campaign contributions.
• Bipartisanship means conservatives and moderates must accept the liberal agenda.
• All rights reserved by the US Constitution to the States and individuals are subject to the control of the federal government.

Business & Economy

• Whatever you do, don't ever think about employing someone. If you do hire a maid, it is best not to report it to anyone -- especially the tax collector.
• Businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
• Corporate greed is capitalism's fault.
• When highly successful businesses (ie Microsoft) fail to contribute heavily to political campaigns, their success must be punished by breaking up the business.
• Due to heavy regulation and taxation, millions of US manufacturing jobs have been exported to third-world nations. During the same period, millions of unskilled "service-sector" jobs have been created and countless skilled US workers have displaced into those low-pay jobs. Liberals proudly call this progress.
• Since our nation's economy has been far more successful than most, we need to impose ever greater regulatory burdens on our industries so they can no longer afford to operate here. Then we can export our jobs to those nations which do not have such regulatory burdens. The heavy pollution, low pay, unsafe working conditions, and child labor found in those nations as a result of our exported jobs are a small price to pay if we can slash prosperity in our own nation. It's only fair.
• We all want to pay the lowest possible price for manufactured goods, yet we express self-righteous indignation when the workers who make those products work in slavery conditions at minimal pay.
• Women should be paid the same as men for "comparable" jobs, even though men of the same age typically have more time in the workforce and consequently greater skill and responsibility. Women in a safe, comfortable office job should also be paid the same as a men whose jobs include exposure to danger and harsh weather.
• If a worker who happens to be a "minority" is fairly and disciplined or discharged for incompetence, poor performance, insubordination, or misconduct, he or she is entitled to charge the employer with discrimination and to sue for compensation.